There are few things that bring you simultaneous joy and heartburn as IKEA.
For some reason I love that damn place. But I’m pretty sure I’d rather watch the Miami Dolphins play in London than suffer through the crowds and agony of searching for the correct Kallax storage box I wanted.
The Swedes have it down to a science. A massive football stadium sized maze that leads you through the excitement of so many shiny new things with the kick to the groin realization that you’re still going to be spending way too much money.
Somewhere along the way IKEA figured out if they offered their Småland child care for the kids the parents might just enjoy themselves for a few moments and drop a few extra (hundred) dollars. Though who says you HAVE to go shopping?
Here are 12 ways to enjoy IKEA while your kids are in Småland:
1) Stop and sniff numerous new couches to remember what they smelled like before your baby threw up on yours.
2) Grab candles out of the discount bin and split a $4.00 plate of meatballs with your wife. It’s likely the closest thing to a romantic meal you’ve shared in two years.
3) Look around and wonder who has the balls to actually buy white furniture?
4) Spend two hours “testing” one of the couches, with your eyes closed. (Feet up and magazine on stomach encouraged but optional)
5) Lecture the young couple next to you about how that fancy glass coffee table won’t be safe for their hypothetical future children.
6) Turn around, walk back to your car, and dial up an episode of Narcos on Netflix.
7) Spend an hour and a half in one of those fake 600sq apartments and recall how great those bachelor years were if only you had money to afford such a space.
8) Tie one of the paper rulers around your forehead and attempt to impress your wife with your karate moves.
9) Contemplate how long it would take you to assemble all the furniture in one of the rooms and challenge an employee to a race.
10) Drink too much Lingonberry juice and blame your poor DraftKings selections that week on it.
11) Take over one of the office settings and actually do some work.
12) Pull them out of Småland early, have them tie paper rulers around their head and remember it’s most fun to be IKEA ninjas together.